Wow what a year it has been. So far I’ve spent the year in a bit of an existential crisis; getting through the grieving process that is an unexpected break up coupled with such elevated anxiety and depression that I honestly didn’t think I would get through it at times.
And all the things that come with that, going up a stone through comfort eating, an everyday battle with non existent self-esteem and general hopelessness about the future.
It’s been an absolute battle this year that’s for sure. Probably the worst one on record but thankfully it’s started to turn around. After months of not working (at times the threat of homelessness was real) and struggling to find a job more than 12 bloody hours a week, I finally found a job and things started to turn round.
Now I have a worthwhile job working as a support worker with young adults who have gone through the care system. Becoming aware of their individual early childhood experiences has been a humbling one, knowing that my life has been no where near as bad as theirs has helped to give me a swift kick up the proverbial and a shift of perspective.
I’ve had one of the worst post break up experiences just happen recently; finding out the ex has moved on and is besotted with his new girlfriend. This cut like a knife and I knew it would; but it has been very enlightening. It was the final hurdle in an exhausting journey.
I realised I’ve been spending my time holding onto the past. Holding onto something that is over, something that has had its time and has gone. Even seeing a photo of the ex with his new girlfriend really didn’t hurt as much as I thought; I realised that I actually was over it a lot more than I’d previously thought.
Then I started to think about the magic of new beginnings. I’ve been single since February and in August I decided to join Tinder. Now, I think there’s something very shallow about swiping right and left in determining how you effectively want to bone someone but I was also curious. It was a short lived affair; I’ve deleted it now but it was good whilst it lasted. It marked the start of me getting myself back out to the world again.
All I know is that I’m entering a new phase of my life right now. I’m ready to be comfortable in my own skin again and live in the present and see what my future holds. One of my favourite quotes is by the amazing David Bowie who said “I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring” and he echoes my sentiments entirely.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that I’m starting to see life with a renewed sense of vigour; I’m much happier and ready to get on with my life at last. There’s so much more to come and I can’t wait to discover it.
Sometimes you just have to let go of the things that are literally killing you. The beauty of letting go is that you set yourself free from mental anguish and suffering, you set yourself free from the things you can’t change and you throw open the door to things you can.
I know the things I desire in my life are simply waiting for me to realise them and take the given opportunity at the right moment. The future is looking bright and that’s because I’ve broken the chains and finally let go.